Part II: Let it Happen
So there I was in life, asking the universe ‘who am I’ and hearing only faint echoes in return. I wanted to move to Chicago, live in a run down studio apartment with a mattress on the floor, plants and salt lamps feathering texture against white walls and live on nothing but painting, weed, and coffee. But that ‘wasn’t the answer’ the universe whispered to my fleeting intuition. I wanted to change the world, to shake things up, but what I needed to change was myself. I was at a standstill and I was the one who needed to be shaken up, to quote Thomas Merton “Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.”
We had decided to move in together, met a few more times to work out the details, I gave my notice to my apartment, and my move in date was set. We didn’t talk or text much other than to work out details for the rental and then it came time for the annual Grand Prix races on Belle Isle in Detroit. My father worked every year for months helping set up the technology infrastructure on the island and always got great tickets for the events. Of course I decided I would invite my new best friend, Bradley.
I stood outside the front door, it was a muggy summer morning, I was wearing one of my favorite off the shoulder stripped tops and I remember him opening the door just as I was about to knock. We were in sync, somehow, I couldn’t possibly explain it. We had tickets to one of the exclusive tents and took advantage of the open bar and summer sun. We told each other stories and laughed all afternoon with the sound of roaring engines flying by. I remember taking his sunglasses off his face and put them on mine, he said they looked better on me and I should keep them, I never did give them back. The afternoon flew by and once we made it back to the house I told him I was far to drunk to drive back to my apartment, so we played Currents over the stereo on repeat for hours.
Being with him felt like dancing with no one watching, kind of freeing and erotic. I remember when it started to rain, it echoed so faintly around the circular living room in the background of the music and I exclaimed to him how beautiful it was. He tried to kiss me and I wouldn’t let him, it didn’t feel wrong in any way but just not the right time and I’m not the kind of girl to kiss around. I wasn’t sure what to make of all this, I just had a feeling, a deep knowing, he would be an important part of my life. I stayed until the early hours of the morning and then drove back to my apartment on the river for one of the last times.